When It's All Been Said and Done

The day was closing when the gatekeeper came to find Shiela. Someone from Lagosette was pleading to come in to see the nurse. A young man and his sister were supporting a frail woman, their mother, as she hobbled through the gate. She wore a blouse and fitted tweed suit coat, and a linen skirt which tried to escape her thin hips bones. She had dressed well for this important visit, despite her obvious pain. She wore a lace handkerchief over her head to protect her sensitive eyes from light. She may have been 50 years or more, though it was difficult to tell from her sun-aged skin and worn expression, as her pain was her most prominent feature.  She moaned quietly under its weight.

Shiela stopped delivering the meds she was ready to dispense in the baby house and gave her full attention as the young man tried to explain their plight. I was not clear on all the details with my preliminary Kreyol, but from what I could understand, the family had scraped together all their money for a surgery the woman had received a week ago, but since that time, she had experienced blinding pain in her head. They had prescriptions written on well creased paper in hand -- they had not had the money to fill them, but at this point no pill or potion was going to be adequate to address what seemed to be going on inside this woman's head.

They begged for an answer. The pleaded to be able to borrow the money to see a doctor at Milot (MEE-low) hospital. There was nothing Sheila could do to help them with what they wanted. She touched the woman with tenderness and addressed the young man with compassion telling him she understood how difficult this situation was, but in the end she sent them away, believing there had been some complication after the surgery causing a clot, an infection, or some other thing that now left this woman in unbearable pain and possibly dying.

Sheila does not have an exhaustive skill set, medications, or resources to address the need of this one person, let alone the many others who would follow if this family were given the money. She does not have the time in addition to the many children who call COTP home. All she could give was her love, which she did. But this story of one person's life is merely one in a long line of individual people who have come to the gates of COTP in desperation.  As in this case there is not always a happy ending. 

While I saw the love of Christ demonstrated through Shiela's hands and heart, I also saw the raw depth of the curse of sin, alive and well, stealing life and joy and hope. Here I am, in a place where a woman will likely die, and if not, will experience excruciating pain, because she does not have the money to go back to the doctor who operated on her. She has no “back-up plan” for such emergencies. Her children, who desperately sought whatever help they could for her, will likely watch her suffer and expire. There is so little justice for the poor in Haiti. There is so little hope for a brighter tomorrow.

I felt despair in that moment and thought, “Oh Lord, where are you in all this mess? Why am I here? What good can I possibly do in the middle of so much suffering? What do I have to offer? Lord, how I need your eyes to see and your ears to hear. How I need your touch! Oh how Haiti needs your healing balm to wipe away its sin and pain and sadness! Show me how to be a healer in this place, for at times I feel helpless to do a thing on my own!  What do you want me to do?”

I have to confess that I have not been following the prompting of the Spirit in my heart. A number of times lately I have noticed a thought to pray for someone and have not, and I cannot tell you why I didn't just pray for this woman right then and there, except that I just let the moment pass. There was so little to do for the suffering woman, at least from my earthly standpoint, but perhaps God was offering me an opportunity to let go of my own “can do”' mentality and take up a bit of His “I AM”.

I wonder if he is challenging me to seek him in prayer when I feel most helpless and allow him to be God? Perhaps when I am most vulnerable is when I am most teachable. I am working at responding to the tug in my heart and pushing away the inner scoffing that says it is silly, untimely, or unnecessary. I want to live Christ's love and I am learning that in my broken state, all God wants is for me to be used.

This song ministered to me today:

When It's All Been Said and Done (Robin Mark)

When it's all been said and done

there is just one thing that matters

did I do my best to live for truth

did I live my life for you?

When it's all been said and done

all my treasures will mean nothing

only what I've done for love's reward

will stand the test of time.

Lord your mercy is so great

that you look beyond our weakness

and find purest gold in miry clay

making sinners into saints

I will always sing your praise

here on earth and ever after

for you've shown me heaven's my true home

when it's all been said and done

you're my life when life is done.